Traditional Virgo Traits

Modest and shy
Meticulous and reliable
Practical and diligent
Intelligent and analytical

On the dark side….

Fussy and a worrier
Overcritical and harsh
Perfectionist and conservative
Well that doesn’t exactly put me into a summersaulting mood.

I know it’s stupid to believe in those things, but the scary thing is that I recognise myself into a lot of those things ( well besides the practical thing, I buy shoes that I can’t walk in, just because they look good, and buy bags smaller than a 5 euro note). But they’re not good qualities in my eyes. Being shy just stops you from make contact with people, being reliable is a good thing but I’m not most of the time, though I try, but that just makes me feel guily etc…

The thing I hate most about being a Virgo, is the perfectionist part. It makes me so frustrated. It’s making me hate my own art. When I take a photo, I either hate it immidiatly or love it and start hating it a week later. I keep on deleting more and more of my gallery just because I can’t believe I could have ever considered those pieces art.

The problem is that I’ve come to love art. I can spend hours studying artists and learning about different art styles. This has lead me to want to be succesful and wanting people to “adore my” pieces (just a little more feedback would be enough ). Not just my friends who like my art because they like me. I want to get into a good art college and make a living out of my photography in the long run. I want to live and breath art and creativity…

I know it sounds pretty desperate but when I’m taking photo’s it makes my heart pound and the corners of my mouth curl up.

So it brings tears in my eyes when I feel so proud of a photo but no one else seems to share that opinion. It makes me feel so insecure and makes me want to smash my camera to bits. But instead I’ll just write down my frustrations here. Maybe I’m being egocentric wishing myself succes. But it just frustrates me so much that apprently I lack the talent to live the life I want to lead.

Now I’ll probably end up studying bussiness administration and working in a 2 by 2 office till I die.
(Or according to Bianca, i’ll become a poor struggeling artist who doesn’t get recognizion till I’m dead, but I don’t think killing myself now will do any wonders)

EDIT!
The day after writing this, I got a note from someone on DeviantArt telling me that he featured me in his Deviantart Arcade and thought my gallery was wow.
So I should just stop being an insecure teenager, and start being professional!

I felt lonely today, I was sitting behind my computers just clicking around a bit, and wondering where everyone in my life had gone. Then my cat jumped on my lap, she never does that when i’m behind the computer. So it almost seems like she sensed that I was a bit down.

I love how unconditionally animals can “love” you. They don’t care if you gain weight, are grumpy or forget to call.

You just feed them and they love you, it’s perfect!!!

Sometimes I wish it would work that way with men too, not that I have anything to complain about, but it would make relationships a whole lot less complicated!

Love is in the Air

The last couple of day’s i spend in Gent, Belguim. Each year they have a 10 day street festival. During the day there are street artist and performances, and in the evening concerts, dancing and a lot of drinks.

We go almost every year, it’s a lot of fun most of the time. I love just roaming the streets, absorbing the atmostphere and nog worry about anything. But at the same time i get dissapointed each year. No matter how much i wonder and absorb, theres always my family walking ahead of me. Another thing is that in all those years i’ve never really made contact with the people who wonder along the streets with me. I’ve never come futher than an akward chat with a balding, old, drunk man at the bar.

I’m fascinated with people there, they all look so creative and carefree. In there hippy style clothes, the long hair and beads everywhere. They sit with there friends in the park at 2 am and have fun. It makes me long to be one of them. To just pull away from everything and to sit in the park, with some people i truely care about and not worry about anything.
A complete silence in my head…

But those dreams will probably remain dreams… atleast for now.

I read a book these past few days. The romantic by Barbara Gowdy. It’s about a girl, Louise, who’s in love with a boy, Abel. She’s been in love with him ever since they were little children. He moves to another part of the country and cheats on her a couple of times, but in the end they still end up loving each other, he dies, but they still love each other.

Well it’s a book so the semi happy end is manditory. But it made me think, not so much about love (love should happen, not be thought about, you’ll need ibuprofen), but about how she copts with being hurt. Every time she gets hurt, by her boyfriend, boss, parents, she moves to a different appartment. That sounds wonderful.

When i came home this afternoon it wasn’t a happy homecoming. It was comfortable, i could lie down on my bed with my flipflops and not care about stains. But it didn’t make me feel happy. My anxiety came back after a few hours and i think that just sitting here in my room makes me nervous.

So i wish i could go life in a different space, a different house would be best, another country would be perfect. This space has just so much memories captured in it. Each time i look at an object or wall it reminds me of something. It’s had it’s time, it’s overflowing with memories and feelings.

There isn’t any space left for me…

Photo’s From Gent

Old Thoughts

The Green Dragon Lady

Body Language

A Face in the Crowd

Well this is my first Blog. I’ve never really had a blog, wel i have had internet journals don’t know if that counts. But Rebecca has a blog here and she finally convinced me to start one too. (Even though her last attempt was quite a while ago, but today i finally had the inspiration for one, and just needed something to do, to get my mind of other stuff.)